Do You Really Have No More Effs to Give?
Do you really have no more effs to give? Or is it just fun to say the eff word and send your sister/friend/neighbor funny memes (with this message) during your before-bed doom scroll?
The idea that women have no more effs to give when they turn 40 is a topic that’s often in the back of my mind, particularly in the work I do as a personal stylist for women in midlife. So when I was on Dr. Jenn Huber’s The Midlife Feast podcast last fall and she asked me what I thought the missing ingredient was for women in midlife, it’s the first thing that came to mind. What I meant by it being the missing ingredient is this: living it—truly living it and embracing it.
“I Have No More Fucks to Give”
It’s become such a mainstream rally cry—for lack of a better way of describing it—even for those who refuse to say “fuck” and instead replace it with “shit” or another G-rated alternative. Whatever the word, the sentiment is there. Melani Sanders was enterprising enough to create an actual club around this idea and write a book about it. And good for her! I think the more of us women in midlife who embrace this stance, the better.
Personally, I’m on board and have been for a while—probably since my early 40s but menopause brain fog has wreaked havoc on my memory so I can’t say for certain. I just started to feel like some things didn’t matter anymore. Thank you, lived experience and wisdom. I started settling into who I was as a person more—something I’m still doing; I wonder how long that lasts?
Things I No Longer Give a Fuck About—Fashion and Beyond
This is what no longer giving an eff means for me in my life today:
Following trends.
Having something new to wear for a special occasion or on vacation. Sometimes I do, and even then it’s often purely coincidental. It just isn’t a requirement anymore.
Taking pictures over and over until they’re perfect—”perfect” meaning my double chin isn’t visible and the angle is just right.
Wearing makeup every day, and definitely on days when I show my face on Instagram.
Getting Botox. My forehead is full of wrinkles; my 11’s really drive me crazy. And the little lines around my mouth bug me, too. But not enough to regularly get Botox. I did it a few times a handful of years ago and I liked it, but my feeling about it for me these days? Meh.
What other people think—for the most part. I’d be lying if I said I never thought about this or never cared. But, it’s way less so than in the past!
Having my eyebrows waxed. I will absolutely see my favorite aesthetician anytime I visit Austin, but otherwise, I do what I can to keep them tame and go on with my life.
The size of my clothes. If no one can bother creating consistent size standards for women’s clothing in the year of our Lord 2026, then I’m going to continue focusing on fit instead of size.
The size of my body. Gen-X child of the 80s here, a time when diet culture (hi, Weight Watchers) was rampant and I was told a lot of untrue things about my body and its size. Today, I vascillate between body acceptance and body neutrality. And for me, I accept that progress. Do I have days when I criticize my body? Absolutely. Are they rare? Absolutely.
Unnecessary apologies, both from me and for me. Have you ever paid attention to how often “sorry” gets haphazardly thrown around? It makes me wonder if people even mean it when they say it.
To me, having no more effs to give doesn’t mean you don’t care about anything, and you throw all caution to the wind, living your life. Quite the opposite, in fact. It means you stop caring about nonsense that doesn’t serve you, or nonsense that an external force or person has put on you as something you should care about. It’s focusing on what matters to you and letting the rest go.
Saying You Don’t Care Vs. Actually Letting Go
What gives me pause is when I hear women preach they have no more effs to give, but still very clearly do give an eff. I see this a lot when it comes to personal style, and inevitably, body shape and size—and sometimes clothing size (though thankfully, many of you are also moving past this as something that carries any importance). You say you have no more effs to give, and yet…
You are focused on hiding some part of your body—most often, your stomach.
Words your <fill-in-the-blank-with-someone-who’s-said-something-negative-about-your-body-or-clothing> said about you—no matter how long ago—still chime in when you get dressed.
You withhold feeling good about yourself in your clothes until you lose weight. Nevermind how good your progress might feel—you still won’t allow yourself the reward (feeling good about your style) until you hit a milestone you’ve set.
You compare yourself to other moms at school, other women at the networking coffee and friends you drink wine with.
You accept feeling “fine” about your style even though you know you really want to show up differently.
Just like I can’t give anyone confidence, I can’t make you stop caring about these things. But having no more effs to give isn’t something you just say, it’s something you practice.
For a lot of women, style is one of the last places where old rules, voices and conditions like these still linger.
This is the Work I Do
This is the work I do with women in midlife—not helping them give less effs, but helping them decide what’s actually worth caring about when they get dressed.
If that resonates, you can learn more about working with me here. And if not, let this be your reminder that feeling good in your clothes is something worth caring about—and that doesn’t have to be earned.
